Vino the Quick

You might think it’s difficult to run in a giant wine bottle with 750 milliliters of wine sloshing around inside. The truth is, you’re right. It’s really difficult. If you watch closely in this video, at one point you see me trip on a redwood root and hit the ground pretty hard. I like to think of the limitations on my stride as an occupational hazard.

Sometimes, however, we are meant to transcend limitations. Sometimes we are meant to fly—metaphorically speaking.

I experienced one of those days on Thanksgiving morning.

I participated in the Healdsburg Turkey Trot, a 5-kilometer race that takes place every Thanksgiving morning in my hometown. And, dear readers, as you can see from the photo that accompanies this post, I won!

It was an eventful morning. I woke up in my refrigerator feeling particularly saucy. Instead of donning the usual merlot body suit, I opted for chardonnay. Next, I worked with my little splits (a.k.a., my daughters) to affix holiday lights to my bottle. I know many of you attended my bottle-mitzvah when I was 13, but I still love Christmas, you know? 

Anyway, when I arrived at the start of the race, I wasn’t planning to run. Over the course of the next 20 minutes, encouragement from my fellow runners inspired me to try.

The gun sounded and there I was, striding like Prefontaine and the dudes from Chariots of Fire.

I passed kids. I passed elite runners. I swear at one point I blew right past a cheetah running at full speed. You should have seen the look on that cat’s face! I’m guessing it had never seen a giant wine bottle motoring along at warp speed.

I finished the race in less than 25 minutes. Skip Brand, owner of Healdsburg Running Company, handed me a bottle of sauvignon blanc (my cousin!) and told me to assume my rightful spot on the podium. As I stood there, the silver and bronze finishers scoffed at me as if to say, “There’s no way you won.” Someday those little twerps will appreciate the grandeur of Vino the Quick.